Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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