If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
