I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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