Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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