woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
