Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
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You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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