Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
