I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i wish my penis had a tongue
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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