I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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