WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
