i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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