Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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