So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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