Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
