Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
