There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
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They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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