Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
