sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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