I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
