and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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