everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
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you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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