i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
