I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
