Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
