I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
