Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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