Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
