I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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