Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
