You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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