Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
3 2 1 whiskey
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
