I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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