I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
