Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
