There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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