I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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