I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
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I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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