I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
