We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
