And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.