this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
