i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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