I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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