I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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