I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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