So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
