Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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