i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
