I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
