Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.