Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
