i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
