The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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