I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
