i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
