I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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